dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
