I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize