38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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