The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
