Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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