i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize