i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
