you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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