Little spoons don't ask big questions
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
