Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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