If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize