This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
