omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
