I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
