I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
