I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize