If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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