Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
