haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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