I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize