Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
