its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
