My hair reeks of homosexuality.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You were trust falling into bushes
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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