She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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