Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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