I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
