Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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