I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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