you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
