Im at strip club and am horny
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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