I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize