i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
