guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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