if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
