my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
