I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He passed out mid-signature
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
