Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
