if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
