Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
