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one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
