Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize