thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
