So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
my liver is dry heaving
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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