i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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