I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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