How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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