we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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