I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
