my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Is it penis luge time yet?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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