I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
