I think I won the penis lottery.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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