did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
