broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
