It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
