btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
