Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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