I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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