Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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