we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
