Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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