when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize