i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
