white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
