Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
