she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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