Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
