sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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