the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
