just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
