you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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