1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just pee around me
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
